this is basically what i have so far. the bold and italicized parts are things i have questions about...whether it's good to include or in a good sequence. all input is helpfl, though i'd like to remind you all that my puurpose is not to get her to leave today, it's simply to vent my frustrations with the side hope that i'll at least plant a seed of doubt. so i know it's not in my best interests to lay this stuff out in one row (which i'm NOT, i'm only really talking about 1914/607 and the governing body's odd we are, but are not inspired routine), bt the primary prpose is to vent to her and have her hear the words before she gets too comfortable having me back in her life again.
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mom, i'm curious, have you ever wondered how xxxxxxxx, yyyyyyyy and myself could all leave? xxxxxxx was well known and highly thought of by so many people all over the district. remember how he was invited to the dominican republic to pioneer for a few months? or how he was giving great pblic talks, was constantly out in field service, etc? heck he even got ME into early morning witnessing seemingly every day of the week. now he's gone, and as you say...an apostate. why? what about yyyyyy, an elder's son, also highly thought of, was making all sorts of advancement, etc...yet now look at him. have you ever wondered why he left? mind you, that year yyyyyy and i both pioneered, i dropped out most of the way through the year, yet he didn't. he went on to pioneer school and now...he's an apostate. why? then there's me. i might not have liked it, but i put my head down and i did the work. think of all those times i woke up early when i didn't have to, in irder to drop you off at work so i could use the car to go early morning witnessing. or all those times that i'd leave you at home on the weekends when i'd take out the car to go out in field service? i sacrificed a lot, i never complained, have you ever wondered why i left? you cannot say i didn't believe. if i didn't believe, i would have left ages ago. if i didn't believe, i would have pt up a huge stinker over after school sports, after school activities, hanging out with the worldly kids and all that. the only reason i stayed so long is because i truly believe and yet i left. for a believer to leave, that is tantamount to saying that everlasting nothingness is better than staying. does that make sense to you that the three of us wold go this route?
this is really important to me because what happened when i decided to leave was traumatic. i hated the way the other people treated me and that was big for me. when it came time for me to decide whether i'd leave for school or stay here, aside from the pressures i was experiencing not to leave, i thoght that i would be happy not going away and staying spiritually strong with good people around me. not long after, everyone around me REALLY started treating me awful and it got me so depressed. i moved congregations and that wasn't any better. the one time they invited me somewhere was so that iwould end up being the chaperone. no joke. i'd make plans for field service, get ditched. by the time that brother set up that ice cream thing for me, i was brned by then. i could tell i wasn't wanted. you might slide that off as me being sensitive, btu i really wanted to make it work.
so all of that led to me snowballing downhil to the point i needed to see the therapist and eventally the psychologist. we tried everything from pills to therapy to pills and therapy. i took them. everytime i was spposed to ntil i finally refsed. i had enough and it wasn't helping me at all. i was fading away and it scared me. i think i've told you about what i was thinking before i got baptized right? how i always thought about the parable of the house on the sand and on the rock mass? that i had to explain my faith in a way that made sense to me from the bare basics? with all of the therapy and my fading, i realized i needed to do it again. pretend i knew nothing, and explore everything about my faith in order to determine if i was on solid footing. i had all kinds of questions and no where to go with them and the more i learned, the more i started to feel like it was all in vain and i can't even begin to describe how dark a place that was mentally. to wonder and worry that your entire life to that point was a lie or a mistake? that you lost so many valuable opportunities and experiences for nothing? i had nowhere to go and i didn't want to be labeled as an apostate. the few times i asked questions didn't go over well at all.
it kills me to this day that it could have all been for nothing so for the sake of closure, try to help me to nderstand this. no matter how we look at it, whether we care if we believe the same thing is irrelevant. you believe you have the truth and that there will be an everlasting life after a potential ressurection if you need it. if that's the case, i want to be there too. i mean, that's why i stdied, it's why i went out in field service etc. if it's the truth then i want to know but there's a couple things that don't make sense to me.
1. go over what the good news is (christ's heavenly kingship. - http://www.watchtower.org/e/jt/article_04.htm)
-then talk abot how 1914 is calculated
-the explain that it's not 607 bt 587 that 1914 then becomes irrelevant, or at least the wrong date...and i say questionable because i don't want to say outright? like it's too much? i dunno.
-maybe talk about the pyramids?
2. go over de 13: 1-5 and 18:20 talking about false prophets. then go over 1 john 4 and 1 co 2:12
- go over 11/8/94 pg 10 about 1914 and the reasoning book pg. 96
-show how the governing body isn't inspired
-show how the elders and ministerial servants are appointed by holy spirit
-question how that is possible how one can be imporefect yet dispense perfect food. clearly 1914 has no relevance.
i think i'll go over 1914 until she has no answer or starts getting frstrated. all the while i plan on asking her questions about the stff in the literature, not quite stating how i felt.hopefully she's gonna start questioning everything by then. i figure as a back up plan i can talk about matt 24 as i'm sure that's gonna be proof that christ came in 1914 i'll be prepared with statistics to back myself up.
from there i can say:
i can't tell you what it felt like to start having all these doubts, especially with the choices i made in regards to being a jehovah's witness. I'm not talking about bad decisions such as a crime spree knocking off liquor stores. I'm not even talking about getting someone pregnant. I'm talking bad decisions like...not going to one of the best engineering schools in the world. That's not just a "bad decision", but a life altering one. I've beaten myself up for years about that. The effects of missing out on my dreams because of false prophecies and ludicrous teachings kills me every single day. The way I had to turn inward to protect myself from the teasing world around me, when my true nature is to be outgoing and adventurous...the lasting effects of that are incredible. I hurt in so many ways, and 99% of it can be traced back to the Watchtower Society.
- The loneliness from not being allowed to form friendships with the worldly kids at school
- The lost social development from not being able to socialize with the worldly kids in after school programs. I LOVE sports and wanted to do everything, from baseball to karate. How different wold I have been had I done those things? What would I have learned about myself? What character development would have taken place?
- The loss of a potential athletic scholarship - hey you never know...and I was a highly regarded student with some athletic ability, even if it's D3 it's still a scholarship.
- The implosion of my relationship with my father. Now I'll be the first to admit, my father ended up not being a good dad, but in the beginning, he was an amazing father. I visited him during my smmer breaks and he was in the military, special forces in fact. He was literally gone all day, from roughly 4am to sometime around 6. Now for all of you familiar with Southern USA summers, it's hot and miserable, even at 6pm after a day of literally jmping out of helicopters and god knows what else. Yet every day, I'd be right by the front door with our baseball gloves and a ball and he NEVER said no. Not once. I wonder how mch his first born son's descent into a cult that deprived him of baseball games, football games, seeing his son develop into a man trying to get dates, go out with friends etc...how much did that change him from what he was, to what he became?
- I lost a lot of my connection with my family on both sides, but on my mom's side, that's particlarly harsh. What can I say other than, 'I was afraid of missing them all in the New System and couldn't imagine them not being there with me.'
eventally mom, i came to see an organization that has made false prophecies about the end coming in 1874, 1878, 1914, 1925 and 1975...twice as many false prophecies as harold camping regarding the end of the world in 2012. i see an organization that dring the great depression, erroneously bought a mansion in san diego for, in today's prices, would 1.1 million dollars, though considering the san diego home market, would almost certainly be considerably more. how burdensome was that for the brothers and sisters in the congregations? was that wise of jehovah's organization? why would his holy spirit ask for that? i see an organization that has been covering up and keeping silent for child molestors. there was the case in fremont, the case jst recently in san diego, don't we know someone who moved to the la jolla congregation? how can the holy spirit appoint someone to ministerial servant when they are molesting kids in the congregation? how can the holy spirit then appoint that child molestor to elder??? the court documents prove that happened, i have them. the what if that was our congregation? what if that was me? i always thought brother eeeeeeeeeee seemed a little strange. you remember him? perhaps he was one. it wouldn't srprise me. but the elders never said anything. what if he was alone in the bathroom with a young child for cleaning after the meeting? what if that was me?
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not sure where to go with that
